From the beginning....

I have been thinking for a long time that I would eventually tell my story here for those that know me best to truely understand me but have never felt the time was right. But last week, I joined a blogger group and feel it necessary to those that will read my blogs to understand me...all of me. Also, on Sunday (Mother's Day 2012) I got engaged to the love of my life that knows alot, but still doesnt know everything.  These are the reasons I write.....
In 1974, at age 2, I was taken from my birth family because of sexual and physical abuse. I went through YEARS of hating everyone simply because I had no idea who they were and exactly what had been done to me. I love my birth brothers (who were not taken into custody)--I always have. They had problems that I never did. I hate that...I can't change it, but I hate it. I do believe that I have problems with the world around me that they will never have. I have trust issues, the feeling that everyone lies to you simply because they won't come face to face with the truth. Every sexually abused child has issues with love, and pushing those loved ones away simply so you dont get hurt daily by them. It is something that a "normal" person cannot possibly understand unless they have been the pusher or the pushee. I joke about this, but it truely is scary and devastating. It is not something that we set out to do, we just do it to cover the pain that has been our lives and try to prevent anymore hurt. When you look at the picture above, you see that pain in the baby's eyes. I look at those eyes and feel the same pain I felt 38 years ago.
To be continued.....

Strange realization about Heaven and my parents!

Since my father passed on in August, I have thought alot about death and the life folowing this one. I have always heard the stories of how peaceful Heaven is, no pain or sickness and I try to wrap my head around the inner peace that each person has, and how Heaven could be this for each person, but different for everyone. I mean, who fills your coffee cup in Heaven? I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much of Heaven in Earthly things, but I tend to over think those things which I can not fathom...and appearantly am not supposed to.
Anyway, my parents were married 63 years, and as I found interesting things in their home, I think about my fathers life in Heaven right now. He cannot possibly be happy without my mother. My mother cannot be happy here without him, although she is less burdened without his sickness. So as I think of my parents, and Heaven, I leave you (and me) with a song that has to be what my father's Heaven existance is like until my mom joins him.Waitin' on a Woman-Brad Paisley & Andy Griffith

First Birthday

Well, I haven't blogged in a while, guess between school, and home life, it's just been busy. But yesterday was A's First Birthday and although we did not have a party, he will have one tomorrow with family and friends (and even his natural brother). I am extremely happy to have his brother and foster mom visit us.

Lightening up

Yea, ok, this is real progress for me: 2 blogs in just a week.
As things are lightening up as far as calendar "issues," I do have to note that the frustration at people that are not calling me back. Most of these people have made appointments to see the pups and then just never call back. Its frustrating because I REALLY don't have time for BS games and want the pups at loving homes, and then they tick me off so badly I don't even want them to have a dog!
Oh enough ranting (I may do it again in this post, but not on this subject) :)
As for the children, all are excellent, although Tyler has been very upset with Neshannock lately. Combination of the bullying and teacher incompetence. Ryan started at Headstart last week and truly loves it: he has been coming home daily and talking non-stop about everything that happened that day (except the food, which he can never remember). Atavion is well and has been a lil trooper through everything that he is going through as far as the surgery goes.
Well, I guess thats all for me this evening. Congrats to our friend Bri who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl tonight. God is go great!

February 2011

Ok, I do know that I keep promising to continually blog, but then life sneaks up....and well, I don't. But I'll try again....I PROMISE TO REGULARLY BLOG. (Maybe if its in all caps, it will happen).

I do follow others blogs regularly, and draw inspiration from so many of them. I thank God for the healthy children in my life when I read Char's blog, pray for strength for my beautiful niece when I read her blog and recall the things she & I tried and know the things she has to look forward to, and pray for wisdom for those adoption blogs that I follow and have never met. I know that God's has touched all those in my family and am confident that he hears my prayer for the friends that will come to him in time.

I have been talking to God so much lately, sometimes I confuse myself when I am not in prayer. The last month has really been a whirlwind of paperwork and hyperventilating as we prepared for the adoption of Tyler and Ryan. I am glad to report that on February 10, 2011 at 3:45pm, the Judge made it legal! Then began the paperwork trail of changing names, getting birth certificates, etc. lol Who said adoptions of multiples was easier?

Christmas, from our family to yours.

The last 3 months have been a whirlwind. Ryan was placed with us on Sept. 8 and less than a month later, the boys' mothers rights were terminated. Since then we have maintained contact with birth mom and step-dad but will be glad when the adoption is final. Atavian was placed with us in October, at just 4 days old.

As our family changes in the next year, our wish for our family and friends is peace, happiness and health. Know that everyone of you is in our thoughts and prayers daily as we love each of you.

Always,

Tammy, Jim, Tyler, Ryan and Atavian

Ok, so I know that I havent posted in over a year. Its the crazy life that I wanted I guess. Anyway, guess writing today is more for me, but maybe some of you will understand me better if you know the things in my head. So without further explaination.....
We have had Tyler for over a year and a half and are starring down the barrel of adoption precedings...but there have been issues popping up all over the place. We have said for quite some time that we would take any of Tyler's natural siblings to foster or eventually adopt. SO....we wait. Knowing, or at least thinking that there was some issue with our license because of the fact that we had two open spots in our home for almost two years and no children placed. But one night, Michelle (who's name has been changed just cuz she's a b*tch that would sue if she read my blog) comes to our home and tells us that Ryan is being abused in the foster home he is in and the foster mother has asked that he be replaced in a different home. So, we can have him, BUT ONLY IF WE GET RID OF OUR DOGS! BOngo, theressssss the issue that we have not been recieving placements. "Michelle" is afraid of our dogs! Not that she has given them a chance, but she is afraid of them. Well, we took 2 weeks, and tried to figure out if we could find someone to temporarily take them locally so that we could visit and take them back after the adoption....no luck. So we regretfully declined due to Tyler being so very attached to the dogs as protection and mental sanity on tough days. That was 10 weeks ago!
Theres been a couple things that have happened in the last week, and not really that important to dwell on, except for the fact that we left "Michelle's" agency and signed up as Foster Parents from the county CYS. At least they are not afraid of the dogs.
So here we sit, waiting for them to place Tyler's brother with us....toddler bed with cars bedding and a new TV in the bedroom. Waiting for life to deal a good hand so that my heart can be at peace.
Many conversations with family and church staff about the positives we are doing for these boys....sometimes seems non-helpful because he is not with us yet. We keep up the "good fight" because we can do so much, if only given the chance.